Jedi Mind Tricks
Seriously. I hope its the pressure of Christmas. And the impending full moon. And the fact that its creepy warm this late in the year…..or ok its just nerves.
I have hit FULL PANIC mode. I’m moving to freaking AFRICA. Who the hell thought that was a good idea? What kind of freak am I? I am leaving it all behind to go to a place that is HOT. I don’t even like heat. I sweat at the slightest provocation. I need my hair professionally cut and colored every 7 weeks. I need my Daisy by my side. I love my Audi and I love the service that comes with it. I like reliable banking and Internet. I enjoy hot showers. I also enjoy flush toilets. I have a friendly relationship with an entire gastro/medical team here. WHAT THE F*&K WAS I THINKING??????
Seriously. I haven’t taken a full breath since Saturday morning. It may be because my friend Jen is home from Morocco for Christmas. That means that she goes back, and then I go back. She is a reminder of what its all about maybe? Maybe its Daisy. I need to get Daisy settled. Its breaking my heart. My anxiety level is unprecented. I am a very chill person. I don’t get nervous or fussed. I don’t have anxiety issues. Except now I do. I am not remotely comfortable right now.
I guess its one of the stages of grieving? My euphoria has come crashing to a halt. Now that I am realizing what it all REALLY means. Now that the stuff I have to get rid of is actually going. I am suddenly nostalgic for everything Canadian.
I know deep in my heart that this is a great thing to do. I am happy and nervous and excited. I am open to the possibility and I am thrilled that I am able to go.
But I seemed to have crossed an invisible line. The line between the state of living here and planning a move overseas vs. not really living here anymore and saying goodbye. Actual goodbyes. I am handing over my car. That is a kick in the teeth. Its one thing to sell the car, but quite another to turn over the keys. Its one thing to pack up all my stuff, but quite another to realize that I am more camping here than living here. I’ve crossed the line.
Its a slippery slope you see. I know that in reality, if I were to back up 6 weeks, I would say I don’t like it here. There is nothing for me. I need to move on. Now that the wheels are in motion I am suddenly nostalgic and sad. But its so tricky. I’m missing my parents and their home. I feel unbearably sad that I moving away from my childhood home. It doesn’t even exist!!!!! I’m sad for things that aren’t there anymore. I feel like I am leaving behind things when in reality, those things will come with me in my heart because they don’t exist anymore. I’m sad for the days when I met Patricia at the Pump for lunch. But she moved to California a few months ago. I went out for dinner last night and HAD to have chicken wings. Because I’m moving to Africa and I need my chicken wings! (I have not had a chicken wing in several years).
The plan is moving forward. I do not actually REGRET my decision. I don’t want to stop and rewind. I don’t want to rethink anything. I’m excited still to go and be on this journey. I am just FREAKING OUT.
So I suppose we can add this to the stages of letting go. First there is the realization that you gotta bust a move. Then the exploration of what that might look like. Then the confused stage of potentially finding a solution. Then the euphoria of having made a decision. The trepidation of pulling it all together and figuring out if it is logistically do-able. Then the repeated euphoria of having a concrete plan. Then the pure joy and exhaustion of putting the plan in motion. Then the absolute stop-your-heart-kick-yourself and cry endlessly over your doggie dread and complete terror. I think I am coming out of that part now. Christmas isn’t helping. It will never ever be easy to be alone on Christmas. Ever. It doesn’t make the journey of leaving those you love and moving away any easier. I will get over it. I can’t wait to find out what the next stage is going to be!